Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You

September 17, 2016

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Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You

Source: evan marc katz
Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You

Your Ideal Partner - The One Who Puts Up With You

I’d like to call Alain de Botton the highbrow European Evan Marc Katz, but that would be too flattering to myself. He’s a Swiss-born, British based-philospher who has been publishing books since he was 23. Now, at 46, his fifteenth book is called The Course of Love.

The New York Times just excerpted a passage and I thought it was worth sharing with you for its insightfulness. It’s called Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. Once again, the reason I give so much free advice and created Love U is to ensure that you DON’T marry the wrong person. But de Botton’s premise sure does have a basis in truth.

“The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day. As for our friends, they don’t care enough to do the hard work of enlightening us. One of the privileges of being on our own is therefore the sincere impression that we are really quite easy to live with.”

de Botton points out that our partners are equally blind to how they come across, and because we have traded out convenience-based marriage (your parents are educated and think you should be together) with feeling-based marriage, some serious complications have ensued.

Whether you know it or not, your ideal partner is the one who puts up with you.

“What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right. Indeed, the more imprudent a marriage appears (perhaps it’s been only six months since they met; one of them has no job or both are barely out of their teens), the safer it can feel. Recklessness is taken as a counterweight to all the errors of reason, that catalyst of misery, that accountant’s demand. The prestige of instinct is the traumatized reaction against too many centuries of unreasonable reason.”

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

“But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy.”

There you have it. A terse, logical, powerful explanation as to why men choose hot and crazy women and women choose selfish, abusive, unavailable men – as opposed to healthy partners who treat you consistently well. Concludes the author:

“The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrongâ€� person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”

I’d swear to God if I believed in one; THIS is the secret to a happy marriage.

Beautiful sentences; same sentiment you’ve been reading here for nearly a decade. 🙂

Whether you know it or not, your ideal partner is the one who puts up with you. After years of arrogantly looking for a woman just like me, that’s exactly what I discovered in my wife.

I’d swear to God if I believed in one; THIS is the secret to a happy marriage.

The post Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..


     

 

 


$excerpt:n
Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You

Source: evan marc katz
Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You

Your Ideal Partner - The One Who Puts Up With You

I’d like to call Alain de Botton the highbrow European Evan Marc Katz, but that would be too flattering to myself. He’s a Swiss-born, British based-philospher who has been publishing books since he was 23. Now, at 46, his fifteenth book is called The Course of Love.

The New York Times just excerpted a passage and I thought it was worth sharing with you for its insightfulness. It’s called Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person. Once again, the reason I give so much free advice and created Love U is to ensure that you DON’T marry the wrong person. But de Botton’s premise sure does have a basis in truth.

“The problem is that before marriage, we rarely delve into our complexities. Whenever casual relationships threaten to reveal our flaws, we blame our partners and call it a day. As for our friends, they don’t care enough to do the hard work of enlightening us. One of the privileges of being on our own is therefore the sincere impression that we are really quite easy to live with.”

de Botton points out that our partners are equally blind to how they come across, and because we have traded out convenience-based marriage (your parents are educated and think you should be together) with feeling-based marriage, some serious complications have ensued.

Whether you know it or not, your ideal partner is the one who puts up with you.

“What matters in the marriage of feeling is that two people are drawn to each other by an overwhelming instinct and know in their hearts that it is right. Indeed, the more imprudent a marriage appears (perhaps it’s been only six months since they met; one of them has no job or both are barely out of their teens), the safer it can feel. Recklessness is taken as a counterweight to all the errors of reason, that catalyst of misery, that accountant’s demand. The prestige of instinct is the traumatized reaction against too many centuries of unreasonable reason.”

Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?

“But though we believe ourselves to be seeking happiness in marriage, it isn’t that simple. What we really seek is familiarity — which may well complicate any plans we might have had for happiness. We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics: feelings of wanting to help an adult who was out of control, of being deprived of a parent’s warmth or scared of his anger, of not feeling secure enough to communicate our wishes. How logical, then, that we should as grown-ups find ourselves rejecting certain candidates for marriage not because they are wrong but because they are too right — too balanced, mature, understanding and reliable — given that in our hearts, such rightness feels foreign. We marry the wrong people because we don’t associate being loved with feeling happy.”

There you have it. A terse, logical, powerful explanation as to why men choose hot and crazy women and women choose selfish, abusive, unavailable men – as opposed to healthy partners who treat you consistently well. Concludes the author:

“The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrongâ€� person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”

I’d swear to God if I believed in one; THIS is the secret to a happy marriage.

Beautiful sentences; same sentiment you’ve been reading here for nearly a decade. 🙂

Whether you know it or not, your ideal partner is the one who puts up with you. After years of arrogantly looking for a woman just like me, that’s exactly what I discovered in my wife.

I’d swear to God if I believed in one; THIS is the secret to a happy marriage.

The post Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..


     

 

 


$excerpt:n
Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You
dating
happy marriage, ideal partner, Marriage, marrying the right person
#Dating
#happymarriage, #idealpartner, #Marriage, #marryingtherightperson
Evan
MeetBaBa An Open Blog for Open Minded Readers

Source: evan marc katz
Your Ideal Partner: The One Who Puts Up With You


I’d like to call Alain de Botton the highbrow European Evan Marc Katz, but that would be too flattering to myself. He’s a Swiss-born, British based-philospher who has been publishing books since he w…

This Post Is Copied from http://www.meetbaba.com Visit This link for me interesting Stuff.

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Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?

September 17, 2016

This Post Is Copied from http://www.meetbaba.com Visit This link for more interesting Stuff News, Games, Download, Movies, Videos Humor etc etc any thing you can imagine off.

Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?

Source: evan marc katz
Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?

Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks

I am a single mom of 5 children, (teens and very young adults). My BF and I have been together 4 years and he comes over almost every day. I rarely go to his house as I am a busy mom with work, kids, and sports. He has a daughter and visits with her every other weekend. My question is: should he help me with major projects around my house? I don’t expect him to pay anything out of pocket but to help. The main water line to our house broke and we’ve been without water for 2 weeks and to save money, my 2 older boys and I were digging/shoveling dirt and rock 2ft down and about 4ft across and my BF did not offer to help. He was watching the Warriors game in my house while we were outside doing some serious hard labor. I feel since he’s here almost every day that he should be a man and say, I got this babe let me help you. But he didn’t. It upset me and made me question his character….

Thanks,


Patty

I hope you’re alive to read this, since I answer emails a month or two late and you were already without water for two weeks. If you are, brace yourself for what may be a more nuanced answer than you want.

People (not just men) are selfish – by which I mean that we all seek to avoid pain and receive pleasure.


People (not just men) like to give and receive love in a variety of different ways.


People (not just men) aren’t mindreaders.


People (not just men) aren’t always going to agree on what’s appropriate behavior.

You with me so far? Good.

As a dating coach, I would be more likely to question why you have a boyfriend for four years and you’re not married, or why you have a boyfriend for 4 years and just realized that he’s selfish.

I can only guess that the kids make moving in/marriage too complicated so you both stay content with the status quo, and that he’s selfish in a lot of ways, but you’re only highlighting this one.

Next time, consider the time/money/frustration equation and see if you can have someone else fix the problem for you.

But again, that’s just a guess. I’m a professional husband and I can point to a dozen instances in which I recall being similarly selfish and my wife can point to three dozen more. My point is that this doesn’t seem to be about the water line; as you said, this seems to be about the very nature of his character.

Is this the norm, or is this an aberration? If the latter, you let him off the hook and perhaps ask him for his big manly help on this monster project. If the former, you have to assess whether his selfishness predominates enough for you to get rid of him entirely. Only you can answer that question.

I agree with you that sitting on the couch and watching TV while you’re sweating up a storm is somewhere between selfish and clueless. But unless you specifically asked him to lend you a hand and he pointedly said no, it’s not like he’s rejected your cry for help – he just didn’t offer to – probably because it’s much easier to watch the NBA than it is to dig into rock.

Personally, I would never dig into rock to fix your main water lines, nor would I let you dig into rock to do so. That’s what they invented plumbers for. Next time, consider the time/money/frustration equation and see if you can have someone else fix the problem for you – perhaps your generous new boyfriend will even throw in a few bucks to make it happen.

The post Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..


     

 

 


$excerpt:n
Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?

Source: evan marc katz
Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?

Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks

I am a single mom of 5 children, (teens and very young adults). My BF and I have been together 4 years and he comes over almost every day. I rarely go to his house as I am a busy mom with work, kids, and sports. He has a daughter and visits with her every other weekend. My question is: should he help me with major projects around my house? I don’t expect him to pay anything out of pocket but to help. The main water line to our house broke and we’ve been without water for 2 weeks and to save money, my 2 older boys and I were digging/shoveling dirt and rock 2ft down and about 4ft across and my BF did not offer to help. He was watching the Warriors game in my house while we were outside doing some serious hard labor. I feel since he’s here almost every day that he should be a man and say, I got this babe let me help you. But he didn’t. It upset me and made me question his character….

Thanks,


Patty

I hope you’re alive to read this, since I answer emails a month or two late and you were already without water for two weeks. If you are, brace yourself for what may be a more nuanced answer than you want.

People (not just men) are selfish – by which I mean that we all seek to avoid pain and receive pleasure.


People (not just men) like to give and receive love in a variety of different ways.


People (not just men) aren’t mindreaders.


People (not just men) aren’t always going to agree on what’s appropriate behavior.

You with me so far? Good.

As a dating coach, I would be more likely to question why you have a boyfriend for four years and you’re not married, or why you have a boyfriend for 4 years and just realized that he’s selfish.

I can only guess that the kids make moving in/marriage too complicated so you both stay content with the status quo, and that he’s selfish in a lot of ways, but you’re only highlighting this one.

Next time, consider the time/money/frustration equation and see if you can have someone else fix the problem for you.

But again, that’s just a guess. I’m a professional husband and I can point to a dozen instances in which I recall being similarly selfish and my wife can point to three dozen more. My point is that this doesn’t seem to be about the water line; as you said, this seems to be about the very nature of his character.

Is this the norm, or is this an aberration? If the latter, you let him off the hook and perhaps ask him for his big manly help on this monster project. If the former, you have to assess whether his selfishness predominates enough for you to get rid of him entirely. Only you can answer that question.

I agree with you that sitting on the couch and watching TV while you’re sweating up a storm is somewhere between selfish and clueless. But unless you specifically asked him to lend you a hand and he pointedly said no, it’s not like he’s rejected your cry for help – he just didn’t offer to – probably because it’s much easier to watch the NBA than it is to dig into rock.

Personally, I would never dig into rock to fix your main water lines, nor would I let you dig into rock to do so. That’s what they invented plumbers for. Next time, consider the time/money/frustration equation and see if you can have someone else fix the problem for you – perhaps your generous new boyfriend will even throw in a few bucks to make it happen.

The post Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks? appeared first on Dating Coach – Evan Marc Katz | Understand Men. Find Love..


     

 

 


$excerpt:n
Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?
dating
communication, relationship communication, relationship options, selfish men
#Dating
#communication, #relationshipcommunication, #relationshipoptions, #selfishmen
Evan Marc Katz
MeetBaBa An Open Blog for Open Minded Readers

Source: evan marc katz
Is It Wrong to Expect A Boyfriend to Help Me With Laborious Tasks?


I am a single mom of 5 children, (teens and very young adults). My BF and I have been together 4 years and he comes over almost every day. I rarely go to his house as I am a busy…

This Post Is Copied from http://www.meetbaba.com Visit This link for me interesting Stuff.


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